Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Lord, Have Mercy

Today, I decided to start a journal and I am using this space.  Why?  Because I NEVER use this space.  So, here goes.

I love God.  I mean, I LOVE the Lord so much, in nearly every moment of the day, I think about Him.  My love for Him seasons my thoughts and so many details of my life.  I want everyone to know the intimacy and joy of loving Him.  I am HIS and He is mine.  I tell my kids that He is the most fun they will ever have.  I believe that with my whole heart.  Earth will pass away, but He never fails, they can lean on Him, trust Him, know Him and love Him.  Truly.  Really.  I mean it.  Yet...

I am so underwhelming, it's not even funny.  Every day my inadequacy greets me like wretched, morning, puppy breath.  Nearly every day I worry that the home I create for my family is a therapy incubator.  You know that our home is the perfect environment for codependency, shame, guilt, lack of security, unmet expectations, never living up, yelling, shouting, frustration and basically laying the foundation for years of, "I could never meet my mother's expectations."  Every day, my mind is riddled with self-doubt.  I worry that I am not meeting my children's  needs, that I am wounding them, that I am messing them up for life, that they are on the A-Train to the Hamlet of Hate and Discontent in the Commonwealth of Cuckoo and I am the engineer.  Lord, have mercy!

That's when I remind myself that grace is real.  Like, He died for these moments, for all of my sin, every nasty bit of it.  Some people may think this is a my license to live in a cycle of heinousness.  But, that is not the case with amazing grace.  Because when it's offered, or rather, when I receive it...I want to be better.  I want to do better.  I want to change.  In fact, I get on my knees, fall on my face and pray through tears that HE will cover this day with His blood.  I pray that He will redeem my messes and use this graceless, haughty, stubborn, self-righteous, pitiful, proud, lazy, ungrateful sinner to be their mom, teacher, mentor, trainer, servant, champion and cheerleader.  And, he does.  Lord, have mercy!

Then, I pick myself up off the carpet and I remind myself that I am His.  Then, I remind myself that THEY are His and that same grace and redemption offered to me, is theirs for the taking!  Suddenly, through the darkness, the Light shines through and I offer apologies, love, forgiveness, humanity and GRACE.  Because,
He will.  He does.  He did.  He died.  Lord, have mercy!

Father, I am yours.  Reveal Yourself despite my resistance and unwillingness to let you reign in me.  Help me show my children YOU, and when I cannot, when I DO not, please, offer Your grace.   Thank you for loving me, thank you for loving them, help me to love them more like you love us all.  Lord, have mercy...

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